There's a lot going on right now, some random some not, significant all the same. It's scary, a stark reminder that some things cannot be controlled no matter what you do.

I feel as if I can do more. Not my career, I know what I have to do there. I mean with everyone else around me. I feel as if I'm supposed to do something, but I don't know what it is. Maybe I care too much, I've thought of that often over the years. Maybe I don't care enough, I don't know. 

The thing is, I see people around me and I feel like I can do more for them. Is it wrong to think like that? Am I trying to push myself into other people's lives thinking I can be something, when I'm something I'm not? 

Maybe it's because I've had my fair share of pain over the years too, that it's a preventative measure I'm trying to pursue, to stop others from feeling what I felt. The more smiles I can put on the faces of others, the better they feel and the better I feel too. 

We can't have everything we want, that much is true. But that doesn't mean we can't try to reach for it, attain it. I'm close to reaching my goals, I can see it getting closer with each passing day. But if I can't help my friends reach goals of their own, then I feel like I've failed.

I don't pretend to know everything either. All I can do is try.


Get That Motor Running

So far this week I have submitted two queries to two different literary agents, with the plan being to submit to five at a time. I've also drafted a new poem, started a new article for Pixels for Breakfast, started a new short story for an upcoming competition and begun editing another short story for the Secret Santa Initiative.

Considering how much I've tried to do in the last few months, that's a considerable step forward in just three days.

I made myself a promise that I would put in the time to write more, so far so good I think. The key is finishing off the things I've started, like the editing and such, whilst waiting responses from the first few agents I've submitted to. I'm following some advice from a few authors, seeing what other things I can do in the meantime.

More importantly, it's about repairing my confidence. The more I write, the more I get out there. The more I get out there, the more likely I'll be able to make progress this year.

Also, now I have a picture of a webcam in a vest in my head ... because I'm in'vest'ing in a new one. Blame Melody :p


Gone and Forgotten

Bad memories are just that, but it's how you deal with them and learn from them that defines you. Personally, I haven't dealt with them very well of late and that's been holding me back. I've lost my way and it's been a struggle to find my way back.

But maybe I've turned a corner. This past week hasn't been kind to me health wise but it's given me time to think, leading to a long conversation or two about where I am and what I want to do. I admit, I hate conversing, I hate trying to communicate what's going on in my head because there are times when even I don't understand it. But it was needed, it was warranted.

So now I need to refocus. Not everything will go my way, I know that, but I have to try. I'm looking at finding a literary agent, that's the first step of many. But first, I need to kickstart this blog and find my voice. I'm creative and, yes, I ramble a bit and my editing skills need work, but creativity drives me. It defines me.

So I'm pushing forward through the scrub and the dirt. It will be slow and cumbersome but that's part of the challenge, after all. Those bad memories will be gone and forgotten with time, I just have to keep reminding myself of that.